Bright Lights, Big Pity

You are not meant for this. But you are here, thrashing your way through the water, trying to find a way to breathe. Ah, the pool. Chlorine flooding your nostrils. Fast. Time is of the essence. Are these your last moments? You look at your sister, pleading for help. How did you get here? Your family, the people who treat you so kindly, have such high expectations that you cannot meet. You have tried, many times, to make them proud—yet here you are, taking in what seems to be your final breaths—just to make them proud.

Swimming is in your blood—it is something your father, your grandfather, and his grandfather were experts at. You are expected to do the same, but you can't find it in yourself to do so. You put effort into impressing your loved ones, that’s for sure. You do what you can to prove yourself to them. You tried to be athletic, to keep to yourself, to stay out of the way. You wonder what your life would be like without these expectations (although people will always find a way to make you feel incompetent—that’s just how it is). This often makes you wonder—will you ever amount to anything? Is there any hope, that maybe someday your loved ones will appreciate your choices in life?

Your sister wraps you in a towel and lets out a sigh of disappointment. You can’t help but to think that she is angry with you. You let her down again. How could you be so careless? You stare blankly off into space, seemingly unable to ask the questions you so desperately need the answers to. Do they really care about you, or is this all just an act? These questions plague your thoughts. Maybe it’s the fact that your father refuses to give you food all day. Maybe it’s how they all leave you alone for what seems like forever, and hardly acknowledge you when they see you again. It seems that you are somewhere in between being neglected and being the favorite child. How can this be if you can’t even prove yourself to your parents and your siblings? You feel useless—after all, what kind of Labrador retriever doesn’t know how to swim?

But that’s just how it is.